TGIF

You know what it stands for - and I make no appologies!

It has been a long week. This was a conference week - which means that all the issues that come up during the day have to be dealt with at night - hence some long days and a tired Erica!

But it was good. Today we did a simulation game on Change Theory. I did it before, so I got to help facilitate it, which allowed me to check into how it all worked - which was cool...

I really want a group of us from Church to play it sometime. This one is school system related, but really the concepts are universal accross any organization!

I also found a new career for myself - facilitating change games... Unfortunately it would require being much more mobile then I am now. I love to travel, but I don't think my family would like it too much!

Well, toodiloo!

My Sisters' Fatness is Grossly Over-Stated!

Well, we visited my family this weekend - all of us but T! It was a very quick trip, but worth while. My sister is expecting and I've been excited to see her in all her radiant fatness! (Note: this is a potato-chip eatting, 0 activity, size 2 person).

Weeeelllll - she has accomplished to be both pregnant and thin looking at the same time. She has one of those perfect basketball bellies - very cute looking... Life just isn't fair!

Anyway - I was very glad to visit with her, feel the baby move, and talk about plans for the future. I am sooooo glad she will be moving here. Along with my boys, I am very excited about the baby. I have recently discovered my feminine side and I am really, really looking forward to having babies around. (Note #2: For those who don't know, babies repelled me up until about 2 years ago)

The trip was, well, fast. It seems to have disappeared in an instant. Can I just brag - my boys are great travellers. They sat for the 12 hours there and the 12 hours back without much complaint or issues!

Thanks for listening - or reading!

What is in a Name?

You may have noticed, I have added a subtitle... I found out yesterday that the term Wanderlust has some unfortunate and unintended connotations to it...

I thought about a new name, but "I like to Travel" just seemed, well, lacking.

So, I stand by my original name, but with an explanation in hopes of relinquishing my sweet and innocent reputation! ;-)

Speaking of wandering - I'm wandering north-west this weekend to visit my family. My little sis is expecting and I am very excited to see her with a belly. All my life I have worked to lose weight while she has worked to gain it! So, you can understand my glee!

Also, on the topic of names - we are working on a vision statement... and I find it very interesting that we seem to have a shared vision, but are unable to come up with words to appropriately describe it! Words have so many meanings, some unintended, some misunderstood...

If only we could just do a volcan mind-meld to share the concept - words seem inadequate! Such a poor form of communication (says the lady who blogs)...

Today was a good day - now I feel guilty

Today was a good day. I decided to give myself the day off... and visited a good friend, hung out at home, had a beautiful walk, went shopping and to a movie with friends, purchased a top at a real store (Old Navy) - my first clothing purchase that was not specifically from a "fat lady" store in about 10 years!

Great day!

Isn't it too bad that now I feel guilty... I don't know why I always feel guilty when I have a good time.

Anyway tonight was a lot of fun - hung out with SG, ML, and her friend K... I've now decided that we should form a secret hot girls club (That 70's show reference) - since we are all hot/fabulous women!

Perhaps our next meeting will be yard-saling a week from Saturday?

Coffee House - Untitled

Tonight was coffee house. I really like our coffee houses, hearing others perform and share either their original work, or pieces that mean a lot to them.

I also really like performing...

I also really hate performing!

I get so nervous. I really like sharing and I have always loved singing. It is so great to be able to do that for people and have them appreciate it.

The problem is whether or not they appreciate it.

After coffeehouse, I seem to have a down - like I've gotten myself all hyped up to share - and enjoyed it (even when I mess up every song I sing/play like tonight), then hit an emotional low.

I wonder - did people really like it, or were they just being polite. Are people getting tired of me - of my sappy songs. And it is scary sharing something I've written... What will people think or wonder about me?

I also sort of feel like I've hit a wall - a plateau. Tonight was NOT one of my better performances... and I need to get over using the music. I have almost all my pieces committed to memory - but the words on the music stand are like a security blanket.

So, I guess I need to make a leap...

Or maybe next time I'll share a Drummond poem.

The Rollarcoaster

Okay, yesterday, I was at a low point - but today, I am coming up the hill, a little tired, a little weary, a little slow, but I am ready for the ride! Interesting how that works.

Today was busy - but even though my feet hurt and my body is sore, I feel pretty positive. The pressure is off and it seems that things went well today.

So - any guesses as to what the title of my blog refers to?

Nora Jones Day

Today is a Nora Jones day - the kind of day where you sit in a big comfy chair with an afghan and listen to sappy music.

Maybe it is just the weather...

Maybe I am feeling stressed from working a full time job, being a mom, volunteering, helping out a friend in need, etc... (hear violins in the background)

I'm not sure of the cause, but I really feel down today - sort of angry, sort of sad, sort of unappreciated, sort of like going home and curling up in my bed for awhile.

Maybe it is PMS.

There is an ongoing gripe that always comes to mind on a day like today - I wish I had the choice to stay home. Several women have told me that I wouldn't like it and that I am the "type of person" who needs to be at work.

I really wish I had the opportunity to make that determination for myself. All I know is it breaks my heart to hug and kiss my little boys goodbye in the morning.

I really, really want to be at home for awhile.

Two years ago I decided that I would like to try this - changing roles. We aren't any closer to doing it and with L in Kindergarten next year, the reasons for changing are less and less.

It doesn't look like we will have any more children, so it is sad to say good-bye to that part of my life that I never explored.

I guess I "choose my path", and now it is too late to go back and take a different one.

That makes me sad too!

Comments

Ohh the excitement of comments...

Scrolling down my lengthy diatribe, until I see "2 comments".

SOMEBODY LIKES ME!!!

I imagine this is how people with AOL feel when they get the "you've got mail" pop up.

Funny, I don't feel that way about email - perhaps because most is work related and results in additional tasks to be done. Also, not the same for snail mail - usually means more money to pay out.

Only blog comments have this power - sweet, wonderful blog comments - oh how they excite me! Oh how they please me! I think I'm addicted!

So, I think I've figured out that short choppy statements result in more comments - this is a test to see if it works.

My self-esteem is rising as I type! (Isn't that sad?)

I am practically giddy with anticipation.

Does anyone understand why anyone would blog and then choose "No" to "Allow New Comments on This Post?"

Up & Down...

Last night at TOPS I was up (in weight) - which made me down (in mood)... Today I am up (in mood, and probably weight as well) and feeling a renewed sense that I can get healthy. I energetically awoke for my morning walk - to find it pouring rain. I considered a trip to the gym, but realized that would make it difficult for E to complete his morning activities. In the end I resolved to bring my runners to work to walk at lunch. That didn't happen, but I see it is less rainy out, so perhaps I'll make it for a walk this evening!

Re: the weight thing - I'm actually back up to where I was 1 year ago. This seems unusual since I am fitting clothes differently and am much more energetic. So, after some wallowing last night, I have decided that the scale is lying to me and to press on for another week. However, I may have to reevaluate if things don't change in the next month. I've been about the same (up and down 3 lbs from week to week) for about 6 months now... which makes me think that something needs to be done. The more recent gains (2 weeks in a row totaling 7.5 lbs) is more perplexing... So, we'll see what happens this week - still trying to temper this with a sense that the scale doesn't tell the whole picture. It is a part of the picture, though, and a very easy one to read - so I don't want to fool myself by ignoring it completely.

Mothers' Day

Today was Mothers' - for those of you who may have forgot - you can still run out and order flowers for Monday! Anyway, Mothers' Day is not one of my favorite days. It seems to be a day that we celebrate all that is "motherly" - the woman who tireless sacrifices her self to take care of her children by making their lunch, fixing their boo-boos, doing their laundry and making sure they have a wonderful safe environment to come home to. Even the working mothers of the 80s (like my Mom) were these types of women who seem to make the home wonderful - and their work was secondary. This all reminds me of my complete inadequacy in this department. Don't get me wrong - I do my fair share. I am a good provider, I ensure we have a house over our heads, that the bills get paid, that we can take vacations once in a while. I just don't feel like a woman.

There is a voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm not a real woman. A real woman would be so wonderful that she would have someone to take care of her. She would be able to do all these things - like organize her home, bake cookies all the time, clean clothes, fix boo-boos, etc. I feel like crap when my son asks if we can bake cookies and I am just too tired after a stressful day at the office. In my head - I know this isn't realistic. In my head I know that I am a hard worker and contributor to our family. But in my heart, I feel like a failure as a woman. And Mothers' Day is just a big reminder of that. Even the comics in the paper are all about women who are wonderful care-givers... It reminds me that I am not normal.

I totally respect women who do work at home, especially those who make that choice to stay at home over furthering their career. I think our society needs more of that - families who make the choice to have a caregiver at home. Our kids need that. In our family, that is my husband. He is a great dad. But I really wish I could have the opportunity to stay at home myself. As each days passes and our boys grow up a little more, I see that opportunity slipping away. And I have so many ideas of how to make our home life better - to get our house in order and our lives more efficient. But I just don't have the energy or time to do any of it. Every day that I come home and it is a mess, or if we lose an important piece of paper, or if we miss a key date in my sons' school agenda - I take it as another personal failure. Another way I have let everyone down. When people come over to our house, I feel like I'm being judged for the state it is in. When people give me advice on how to get things in order, i feel like they must think I am too lazy or stupid to have order in my house - that I am a bad mother and wife. That I am a bad person.

The little voice says "if you worked harder, you could get things in order, you could make life better for your family - then they would have something worthy of appreciating." I feel I am not enough - and perhaps they feel the same. Perhaps that is why I never feel appreciated - because I am not worthy of it. Perhaps that is why I feel like the older people in my life are always looking down on me. Perhaps that is why life seems so overwhelming and impossible and lonely.

Or maybe I just need to kill the little voice.

Moving On

Today my brother told me that he is moving on... Moving out of our basement and into a friend's appartment. I have mixed feelings. I am excited for him and this step he is taking. He will be more responsible and independent in doing this and I think it will be good for him. (I have always thought it is good to have the chance to live on your own (or with a roommate) before you get married.) On the other hand, I have really enjoyed having him around. When I left for private school he was still quite young - so I never really got a chance to know him as he was growing up, as a teen, etc. I have really appreciated the chance to talk to him and get to know him as an adult. I will miss the opportunity to just walk down the stairs and say "hey, what's up".

On a positive note, this creates a real opportunity. My parents are moving here, as my Dad has accepted a job in the city, and there will be transition time as they figure out where they want to be. This provides some living space while they figure that out. So, it would seem that the planets have aligned themselves and that feels good to. It sort of confirms for me their coming. I have been concerned that my pusing is the only reason they are coming and that I have, perhaps, acted against other, better, plans that God might have for them. Ofcourse - I'm sure that if God had other plans, a little thing like my pushing wouldn't get in the way. But I have felt bad all the same. Sometimes it feels better when you don't get your way. When I get my way, there always seems to be a wave of guilt that follows. Anyway, as more pieces fall into place, it feels like this is where they should be - and I am glad for that!

I'll try to be shorter

I just reviewed my blog and see that my posts come out quite long. I'll try to be shorter...

Today has been a reasonably good day!

Bye!

Responsibility

We often try to avoid responsibility... Or take on others responsibility. It is difficult to find the balance. I often do both. I take on responsibility for how others are feeling or for others reactions that I really can not predict or control. Unless I am truely being insensitive or purposefully harsh, I can't help how others react to me, but I often go over seemingly normal conversation and interactions with others again and again in my head to see if I recall a reaction or something that I should be aware of or deal with - to see if I've affected anyone negatively and what should I have done differently. While a certain amount of reflection and sensitivity is a good idea - I am starting to think that I need to let others take some responsibility here and - if I've offended them in some way - allow them to come to me - and not spend hours fussing over every conversation I've had, every word I've said in search for offenses I may have caused.

On the other hand, I also try to deflect responsibility for my own feelings and hurts. When offended I don't do the right thing and talk to the person - I harbour the hurt for a long time until it is a festering boil. Or, if i am feeling angry I find a way to blame my mood on someone else - often my husband. For instance, I have been feeling a lot of stress at work, I have been feeling unappreciated in various areas of my life and sad for my inability to get healthier at the speed at which I wish I could. Instead of doing what I can - dealing with the stress at work positively by getting somethings done and asking for help - talking to those whom I feel are taking advantage of me - and being more realistic about the speed of change - I became furious with E when he brought me the wrong kind of lunch. At the time, I knew I was being irrationale - the anger did not fit the "crime" - and yet I really wanted to rip his head off. Now, there were things to clear up about the conversation and I did that later when cooler heads prevailed. However, in the moment - I placed full blame for my mood on E.

I guess the old serenity prayer actually makes a lot of sense in gaining perspective on responsibility:

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.