Responsibility

We often try to avoid responsibility... Or take on others responsibility. It is difficult to find the balance. I often do both. I take on responsibility for how others are feeling or for others reactions that I really can not predict or control. Unless I am truely being insensitive or purposefully harsh, I can't help how others react to me, but I often go over seemingly normal conversation and interactions with others again and again in my head to see if I recall a reaction or something that I should be aware of or deal with - to see if I've affected anyone negatively and what should I have done differently. While a certain amount of reflection and sensitivity is a good idea - I am starting to think that I need to let others take some responsibility here and - if I've offended them in some way - allow them to come to me - and not spend hours fussing over every conversation I've had, every word I've said in search for offenses I may have caused.

On the other hand, I also try to deflect responsibility for my own feelings and hurts. When offended I don't do the right thing and talk to the person - I harbour the hurt for a long time until it is a festering boil. Or, if i am feeling angry I find a way to blame my mood on someone else - often my husband. For instance, I have been feeling a lot of stress at work, I have been feeling unappreciated in various areas of my life and sad for my inability to get healthier at the speed at which I wish I could. Instead of doing what I can - dealing with the stress at work positively by getting somethings done and asking for help - talking to those whom I feel are taking advantage of me - and being more realistic about the speed of change - I became furious with E when he brought me the wrong kind of lunch. At the time, I knew I was being irrationale - the anger did not fit the "crime" - and yet I really wanted to rip his head off. Now, there were things to clear up about the conversation and I did that later when cooler heads prevailed. However, in the moment - I placed full blame for my mood on E.

I guess the old serenity prayer actually makes a lot of sense in gaining perspective on responsibility:

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.