Old Friends/Thoughts after Mamma Mia

I ran into an old friend this week - well actually went to see her at the Thundering Woman's Festival.

She was a close friend from my junior high and earlier days - her father was my music teacher in elementary school. Our families knew eachother.

She now travels around the world performing, writing music, recording CDs (I had to buy one and get it autographed!). In a way, it was a somewhat surreal experience. It was cool to reunite with an old friend, and also amazing to see this person who has become so much - who has chased after her dream and appears to be accomplishing it! I felt an odd sense of pride for her and what she has done. Is that weird?

It made me wonder about the path I've choosen. Sometimes I choose to believe it choose me. I certainly didn't plan my life to be what it is now, and yet I made choices along the way that brought me to where I am.

But I did have dreams of being a performer & travelling (among other things). I don't imagine I have the talent or the support to make it in that business, but - we all have our dreams. And I had several - being a singer, a judge, a surgen, a missionary... Sometimes I think I took the easy road - one that required a some hard work, but not much risk.

Sometimes I wonder - am I living up to my potential?

Anyway, tonight as I was cleaning out my wallet, I came accross something I wrote after watching Mamma Mia in Toronto at the end of March - and it is along the same theme - looking back on our dreams and our life... (maybe this is all part of turning 30)

I've always wanted to be remarkable...
You know...
that woman who commands attention when she walks into a room
that woman who has just the right combination of beauty
and wisdom
and wit
that woman who walks with the confidence that comes from chasing her dream and achieving it

So as I walk down the street
hand in hand with the sweetheart of my youth
now approaching his 35th birthday
the lingering memory of Dancing Queen in my head
I wonder...
have I followed my dreams?
have I lived with passion?
could I have belted out 'Waterloo' to a middle aged audience?
or performed open heart surgery?
or sat on the bench of the Supreme Court?

Did I settle?
Or choose something better?

Or perhaps - there is more to come.

Something a little lighter

I've been tagged... Normally these types of things annoy me, but after the heaviness of the last blog, I am guessing that all y'all need a break - something a little easier to read!

How many books do I own?
Not including all the Accounting and professional texts I lug around and only my own personal books - probably about 100... If I were to include my husbands books, I'm sure the answer would be about 2,000 or more.

Last book I bought?
Personally - Either Hindenburg, Where the Heart Is or Timeline... I got them all last summer and I'm not sure in what order. I don't think I've purchased any for myself since then. I usually only get to read over the summer (except for work, which I don't count)

Last book I read?
Hindenburg - very facinating read. Spoke a lot about the set up to WWII, and especially interesting in context of world politics today...

5 Books that meant a lot to me? (off the top of my head)
1. Clan of the Cave Bear (and the following books in the series) - I drew a lot from Ayla's strength and her being "different", her fight against the status quo and to find her own way in the world. I also really enjoy the natural healing, surviving on the land type of knowledge
2. Wanderlust - I read it in junior high and it really clicked within me a passion for travel - to see new places, experience new cultures and discover something new. Again - there is strong female character who lives life on her terms - even though some of those terms are self-sacrificing. Yes - this is a Daniel Steele book...
3. Little House on the Prarie Series - read them when I was a girl - related to Laura... again a strong female character with a sense of adventure!
4. Daring to Dance with God - portrayed a different sense of worship then the somber "holy" sense that many assume is the only way to worship. The idea of life as a dance with God...
5. Bible - saved the best for last... Actually, I've tried to think of books that actually affected me (sad to think then that Wanderlust is on this list) - and the Bible has definitely affected me at various times in my life...

I've enjoyed many more books then these - and perhaps some that are more signficiant in their impact on society, but these had a particular impact on me. However, like T's top 10 movie list, I am sure there are others that I will recall 10 seconds after I publish this post.

So - that is it. I am choosing not to tag anyone else, but if you choose to answer these same questions on your blog, I will enjoy reading them.

Why (I think) Complements bother me

I've been sitting on this one for a week...

I think complements bother me because I am, on a certain level, afraid of being attractive. This is, of course, insane - because there is another part of me that equates physical attractiveness to self-worth. So, basically, I'm messed up...

But... I have found that when I have attempted to become healthy and I get complements, I reach a point where I want to eat. I seem incapable of stopping.

I shared this with a friend - and they asked if they shouldn't complement me on my progress - if that would help. Well, it won't - because if I'm trying and it isn't noticed, well, I want to eat.

So - I'm fat if you do and fat if you don't!

No - what others do can't really change this - it is something I have to work through myself. I have - well - issues (don't we all). Mine relate to sexual abuse that happenned when I was very young.

I have seen a counsellor - and worked through part of the issue - I nolonger blame my mom (which for some crazy reason I did - even though there was nothing she could have done) - and after a time of being angry with God, followed by a time of not believing in God, I seemed to have pulled through and made some peace.

I suppose this is something to deal with in steps... Perhaps by the time I'm 80, I'll have worked through it.

In the meantime... sometimes I'll eat - and sometimes I'll do better...

Some of the Reasons I Eat

There is a Randy Travis song "Some of the Reasons I Cheat"... I thought of this tune as I wrote the title for this blog. Perhaps I'll have to do an Erica version of his song to my title... could be interesting.

In my search for health, I have found out that I eat to protect myself. When I start loosing and looking better - and people start commenting - I really want to eat. (I have some theories on this that I'll share in my next blog)

When I am not losing and people are not commenting - I get depressed and really want to eat.

When life gets busy and hectic - and life seems unmanageable - I really want to eat.

When I have an arguement with E and feel unloved - I really want to eat.

When I think that my family doesn't want to be around me, when I feel my parents are disappointed in me, or that I am unacceptable to them - I really want to eat.

When it is time to give myself a break, celebrate an achievement or have a fun time with friends or family - I really want to eat.

When we buy cookies or chocolates, or basically any treat that I like and the boys are eating it all up - I really want to eat (for fear of missing out).

On Sunday night... well now Monday night... and I think about having to go to work the next day... I really want to eat.

So I figure - it's not what I eat - it is why.

But perhaps there could be worse things. Not that it makes it right, but that if I can stop beating myself up about, maybe it would be one less thing I eat about.

Just a thought!

Is This What You Intended?

Hi. I appear to be able to post on Wanderlust now!! I don't seem to be able to edit ekbailey's posts, though. Rats!

reppepper

What Makes Me Cry.

I have a deep, dark confession to make...

Something that my husband has only recently discovered...

I get all soft and goowey - sentimental and sappy - and cry


over


Sports movies!!!

I confess, I am a sports movie sap. I always cry at the end, when the under-dog is in the final, they are coming from behind, the movies slows to a pace that approximates real life x 10, and the hero pulls out an impressive, game changing play. It gets me every time.

Tonight, my darling took me to Cinderella Man. I knew I was done for from the previews. I used to watch boxing on Saturday mornings when I was a kid, along with real wrestling. I loved Rocky... I used to practice box with my brother and sister... I think if the situation was different, if it were a different time or if we lived in a different city, I might have taken up boxing. Perhaps not - I'm not sure I would have the killer instinct to actually hit someone hard enough to hurt them.

Anyway, E is now sorry for taking me. Not only did his hand receive the brunt of my tense emotional climax during the boxing scenes, but he will continue to receive a jabs to the shoulder over the next few days, as I play out my own boxing fantasy.

It is his own fault.

He should know better!

Blah

I feel blah this morning... we had a great evening last night, picnicing at Marina Park, playing tag with the boys, walking along the shore... and now I feel blah...

I think it has more to do with a discussion I had with E re: our church and our vision process, etc... At times I feel like we are just about to do something - to really move in a direction and feel like we are accomplishing something. Other times, I feel like we are on the edge of falling apart. I find that the projected success or failure of our ministry here has a profound impact on my mood... And right now I feel like something bad is going to happen.

The entire reason we moved here, the reason I keep working when I want to stay home with the kids, the reason we stay is because we felt called to be here. I felt a personal call that both Eric and I were needed here and that we could really make a difference. Sometimes it feels like we are - but other times it feels like it doesn't matter what we do... that everything is out of our control.

In one sense it is - this is God's church and He is in control... I know this intellectually, but I also know that he has given us a task to perform and a plan to fulfill... And I don't feel like we are doing a good job at it - that there are roadblocks being put up by others in the church. I feel like there are people who don't really want us to succeed.

Is that crazy? I am sure it isn't true, but I actually feel like there are people in our church who would like to see us fail and fall apart. I am sure this is more likely a projection of my own sense of failure on others' hestitancy to try new things. We can read so much into comments, suggestions, body language, that was never really intended.

Anyway, I have prayed that things will progress - that we will catch onto the vision that is before us - that we will feel a sense of contentment and that we will feel and experience success. I don't think that is wrong - I think we should look to succeed for God.

Beautiful Day

It is a beautiful day... the weather is great... two meetings I thought I had for tonight have been postponed... so why am I inside blogging?

Actually, in a few moments we shall decent upon Marina Park for a picnic dinner and playing, enjoying the view, weather, etc... If only I could find someone else to join us.

I am also excited about vacation plans. It seems that we have finally finalized our summer plans, as well as booked a trip for next February! We are taking the boys to Disney World! Yaaa! I only hope that I can enjoy the rides. I am fearful that I won't fit within the weight restriction... That might seem silly, but honestly, I encountered that at West Ed Mall once.

Anyway, gotta go enjoy the sun!