Blah

I feel blah this morning... we had a great evening last night, picnicing at Marina Park, playing tag with the boys, walking along the shore... and now I feel blah...

I think it has more to do with a discussion I had with E re: our church and our vision process, etc... At times I feel like we are just about to do something - to really move in a direction and feel like we are accomplishing something. Other times, I feel like we are on the edge of falling apart. I find that the projected success or failure of our ministry here has a profound impact on my mood... And right now I feel like something bad is going to happen.

The entire reason we moved here, the reason I keep working when I want to stay home with the kids, the reason we stay is because we felt called to be here. I felt a personal call that both Eric and I were needed here and that we could really make a difference. Sometimes it feels like we are - but other times it feels like it doesn't matter what we do... that everything is out of our control.

In one sense it is - this is God's church and He is in control... I know this intellectually, but I also know that he has given us a task to perform and a plan to fulfill... And I don't feel like we are doing a good job at it - that there are roadblocks being put up by others in the church. I feel like there are people who don't really want us to succeed.

Is that crazy? I am sure it isn't true, but I actually feel like there are people in our church who would like to see us fail and fall apart. I am sure this is more likely a projection of my own sense of failure on others' hestitancy to try new things. We can read so much into comments, suggestions, body language, that was never really intended.

Anyway, I have prayed that things will progress - that we will catch onto the vision that is before us - that we will feel a sense of contentment and that we will feel and experience success. I don't think that is wrong - I think we should look to succeed for God.