Why (I think) Complements bother me

I've been sitting on this one for a week...

I think complements bother me because I am, on a certain level, afraid of being attractive. This is, of course, insane - because there is another part of me that equates physical attractiveness to self-worth. So, basically, I'm messed up...

But... I have found that when I have attempted to become healthy and I get complements, I reach a point where I want to eat. I seem incapable of stopping.

I shared this with a friend - and they asked if they shouldn't complement me on my progress - if that would help. Well, it won't - because if I'm trying and it isn't noticed, well, I want to eat.

So - I'm fat if you do and fat if you don't!

No - what others do can't really change this - it is something I have to work through myself. I have - well - issues (don't we all). Mine relate to sexual abuse that happenned when I was very young.

I have seen a counsellor - and worked through part of the issue - I nolonger blame my mom (which for some crazy reason I did - even though there was nothing she could have done) - and after a time of being angry with God, followed by a time of not believing in God, I seemed to have pulled through and made some peace.

I suppose this is something to deal with in steps... Perhaps by the time I'm 80, I'll have worked through it.

In the meantime... sometimes I'll eat - and sometimes I'll do better...