I don't know what to write

I feel like I should write - I haven't in awhile - but I'm not sure what to say. Should I tell you all that I am feeling sad today? I don't know why - I just am - like a heavy weight is on my heart and I want to cry but can't...

Perhaps it is just residual from my trip to Ottawa. I had a good trip - and the last day was good, but also emotional. We heard from a speaker who talked about his adventureous trips to both poles and to each contenent's highest peak. It was inspirational, but also reminded me of my own desire for adventure...

And on the second leg of my flight, the seatbelt didn't fit so I had to ask for an extention - which then led me to a self arguement on whether or not I really am doing the right thing in trying to get healthy... Of course, upon return, there always seems to be a bit of a down - back to normal, back to everyday, back to the mess and work that await me, back to the problems I have yet to deal with.

But these are all normal things... Things I deal with quite adequately most of the time - so why do I feel so down? I try to talk myself out of it, but all I really want to do is go to bed and sleep my life away.

Maybe today is just a down day... Tomorrow should be better!

Extreme Makeover Made me a Better Person?!?!

Hi all,

Just me on my soap box on another message from society. I was watching extreme makeover on three sisters who had major plastic surgery so they would look better. Of course, this type of show appeals to the side of me that would love for someone to wave their magic wand (or in this case scapel) and make me gorgeous in the eyes of society.

However, as I was watching and listening to the responses, the comment about becoming a better person struck me. How, in the world, do you become a "better person" by becoming more physically attractive? I thought becoming a better person meant learning, being more giving or generous, becoming nicer, less judgemental, etc., etc.

But that message is loud and clear in our society - if you are "prettier" then you will be a better person, have a better life, gain friends and influence people. Unfortunately part of that is true. There are stats to show that many parts of our society judge based on appearance - and reward accordingly. However, overall, can our lives be automatically better with a little plastic surgery?

I think not! If we want a more fulfilling, exciting or adventurous life - we can do that by choosing activities and goals that fit with that. If we want to be more outdoorsy - then start going camping, hiking, etc. If you want to see new places, meet interesting people, and learn about the world - then travel, put yourself out there, read or do research... But our commercial world would tell us that the answer to many of these lifestyles in found in the latest diet or plastic surgery. I wonder how these people feel months or years later, when they have reverted back to their old life patterns and find that their life is no more exciting or fulfilling then it was before the surgery?

Now, to put this in balance - I do see a place for healthier eatting & exercize as part of a plan to a better life - and I can see a place for appearance altering surgery as part of an overall healing process (especially in abuse cases)... But these are not "thee answer" that I think is being pushed on us - or atleast I feel has been pushed on me.

So that is my soapbox for today.

Breaking the Binge Cycle - Good Day

So, the following is the same day, with different choices... (Ya - it is a little "Mr. Rogers", but bear with me - I am working through a process)

Wake Up: Feelings: looking forward to spending the day with my friends, seeing my friend choose a wedding dress and hanging out. I realize that the dresses in the shops are usually not in my size, but my plan is to try as many different styles as I can so I can figure out what I will feel the best in - both for comfort and what I feel looks good.

Breakfast: Going out with the girls - I think about what I really feel like eating this morning and order it. I take time to enjoy the taste, texture, and sight of the meal, plus the enjoyment of visiting with my friends. I participate in the conversation. I probably stop eating before I finish the entire meal so I ask for a carryout.

Dress Shopping: There is only one dress in my size. I try it on and think about what I like about it and what I don't. I "hold up" a few others in sizes that are close enough in size to see if there are attributes about them that I would like or that would suit me. I notice that the others are doing the same thing and that we all have different body types. I enjoy watching my friend try on wedding dresses and discussing the wedding and wedding colours.

Snack: I planned ahead and brought an apple and few pieces of cheese. I eat them in the car on the way to the next dress shop as it has been a couple hours from breakfast.

Lunch: After a few more dress shops I have more knowledge about what I like and don't like, and we go for lunch. I choose something that I really am hungry for and enjoy it and the company. Again, I eat about 1/2 to 2/3 and take the rest out.

Dress Shopping: By the end of the day we haven't made any decisions, but I have a good idea of what I like and don't like and we have decided on a colour. The bride is almost settled on a wedding dress and I am happy to see her looking beautiful.

Snack: I take a break from trying on dresses, sit down on the chair in the store and enjoy a granola bar.

Phone call from home: How much longer will you be gone? I let them know how much longer - feeling grateful for the opportunity to have a nice day out and continue to enjoy it. I challenge any "guilty" feelings or messages that pop into my head.

Go home for Supper: Pick out from the table what I want to eat - enjoy the food, being home with the family and sharing our days apart with eachother.

Late Evening/Night: I am tired, but feeling good, positive, and happy. I am physically satisfied (full and content with the food I've eatten), I have had a good day. I have an evening snack and perhaps I choose an oreo or a fruit and either is okay.

SO - the above DID NOT HAPPEN EITHER! And it sounds a little overly idealistic. In actual fact, may of the negative messages entered my mind, and some of the time I was able to choose to challenge them and replace them with more positive views. Sometimes I didn't... and more then once I started calculating how much weight I thought I could loose before the wedding, even though I know that it would be detremental to my health in the long run...

However, I found the activity useful in thinking about how a combination of thoughts, feelings, external forces and biological factors (food/activity) can contribute to binging. I can affect my thoughts, feelings and food/activity and I can choose how I react to external forces.

So, that is what I learned this week in the Eating Disorder Clinic...

OH and the one totally true fact from the day: THE BRIDE DID LOOK BEAUTIFUL IN HER DRESS!!! It brought tears to my eyes - and I am so honoured to be a part of the upcoming day. All of us girls are beautiful, amazing women and I am looking forward to spending time with all y'all!

The Binge Cycle - Bad Day

Today I learned about the binge cycle in group therapy. We have been touching on it, but to build up a day and then look at where it could go bad and how to choose to get out of the cycle. So here was my choice of a day. I titled it "Shopping for a Bridesmaid Dress" THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED. I definitely had several of these messages go through my head, but challenged them and replaced them with some positive messages. This is just an example of all the negative factors that lead me to binging.

Binge Cycle - Bad Day:
Wake Up: Feelings: dreading looking for a dress, Thoughts: I will never find a dress that doesn't look horable on me. My body won't fit into any of the dresses. This is going to be a horrible day. I also feel a little guilty for going out and leaving the kids with Dad all day.

Breakfast: Going out with the girls - since I am letting myself go out, I pick the most fat ladden food that would normally be "off limits", even though it isn't what I really want. I overeat and feel physically uncomfortable, and mentally beat myself up for "messing up".

Dress Shopping: Only one dress fits - I think "if I was thinner" or "if my body was different" or dispair that I will never look nice in a dress and everyone will be looking at me as the gross fat bridesmaid. I feel like everyone else will be able to find an appropriate dress except me and that I will ruin the wedding. I feel like I should back out of being a bridesmaid. Finally, I start mentally figuring out how much time until the wedding - how much I could possibly loose on a drastic low calorie diet and what size I might wear by then.

Snack: No snack because I haven't thought ahead to bring along a snack.

Lunch: Since we still haven't found a dress, we go for lunch. Mentally, I am now on a highly restrictive diet so I order a salad with no dressing or some other "diet food". I feel physically hungry and not satisfied. I am angry and depressed as I look at the wonderful food everyone else is eatting.

Dress Shopping: Still can't find any that fit me at all - focus on my problem areas - which now appear to be all the areas. Dispair that I don't look like any of the other bridesmaids. By now I have totally beat myself up emotionally. We end up with no dresses ordered. I blame myself, thinking that if I wasn't there, the rest could have found something appropriate.

Snack: No snack because I haven't bought anything and I won't buy anything because I am now on a restricted diet.

Phone call from home: How much longer will you be gone? - I feel guilty for being away from home all day. I start thinking of all the things I "should" have been doing all day. I think that my presence only wasted everyone elses time and I wasn't productive all day.

Go home for Supper: Again - focusing on the diet, telling myself that it will all be worth it if I am thinner for the wedding - that this will make me worthy of being a bridesmaid. Eat low fat chicken, brown rice and salad with no dressing, water, no desert or anything sweet. Feel hungry and unsatisfied.

Late Evening/Night: I am hungry, tired, depressed, feel like a failure, and unsatisfied - I eat 1 package of oreos, a huge bowl of ice cream, 3 chocolate bars. In the end I feel sick, pathetic and like a total loser.

SO - the above is a really bad day and NOT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED - but is representative of what could have happened on any given day in the past.

What I learned in group was that at any of the moments above, I can choose to change the messages I listen to, the way I react to outside influences, and the food choices I make.

In a few days I will revisit this with the same day, but with making better choices. Does any of the above sound familiar?

Ib amb snick!

I have been busy with work and travelling for the past few weeks... and for atleast the last two weeks I have been feeling on the verge of being sick. I start feeling sick and then usually have a concious thought, "I'm too busy to be sick right now." After that, I keep going until the first moment I feel like I have a moment when things aren't due, like, yesterday - then I get sick.

I don't know about you, but when I get sick, I get grouchy, whiny, whimpy and then feel guilty for being sick. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down. I suppose I should realize that the world will not fall apart without me - that people can go on without my presence for at least 2 or 3 days... (ha ha)

On the up side, I have gotten a few things done that I may not have if I hadn't been just sitting around all day. And I have gotten a chance to start reading a book for enjoyment (I was about to write pleasure - but then thought one might read to much into it... now I have written it, but leave the reader to only muse as to whether there is something to read into it, or if I am merely insane for writing this aside).

I suppose there is a more correct term for the above section then "aside" - I will leave that for RP or TL to correct for I know that brings them much pleasure.

On another note: E wrote a really good article today for tomorrow's bulletin. If you get a chance to drop by NWP Church of Christ, you should - and read the article. It is very touching. I told him so. He needs to reveal himself more in his writing and preaching - put his heart on his sleave - put himself out there.

I am ready to be well now - I have even had enough time to blog, so certainly it is time to be well and get back to my busy life. My consellor has given me strict instructions on how to slow down - like actually doing up my seatbelt before starting the car and driving out of the drive way.

Our car has been recently cleaned and looks pretty good, but started clinking, well actually clunking last week. I think it is is the CV joints, but the mechanic thinks otherwise. Hopefully it is mostly covered by warrantee.

We are digging ourselves out of a hole right now. I it easy to get into the hole, and usually kind of fun, but getting out is a lot of work. I wish I could just win the lottery - not millions, just enough to pay the bills, mortgage, go on a trip, etc.

The tamarac bird in our living room is very beautiful.

Eric is reading Star Wars to the kids - he is a good dad - always reading to the boys. He also volunteers with For the Love of Reading. What a good guy! Sometimes he amazes me.

Our room is a mess. That really drives me nuts. My solution is to ignore it and stay upstairs as much as possible. This seems to be working for me for the most part, except now, when I am sick... then I am stuck upstairs watching golf or baseball all day long. That is boring.

birds scare me

haaken's picture needs to be fixed.

sometimes i think someone is finally going to figure out that I don't know anything.

I think my medicine is starting to work. My coughing seems to be less violent.