The Binge Cycle - Bad Day

Today I learned about the binge cycle in group therapy. We have been touching on it, but to build up a day and then look at where it could go bad and how to choose to get out of the cycle. So here was my choice of a day. I titled it "Shopping for a Bridesmaid Dress" THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED. I definitely had several of these messages go through my head, but challenged them and replaced them with some positive messages. This is just an example of all the negative factors that lead me to binging.

Binge Cycle - Bad Day:
Wake Up: Feelings: dreading looking for a dress, Thoughts: I will never find a dress that doesn't look horable on me. My body won't fit into any of the dresses. This is going to be a horrible day. I also feel a little guilty for going out and leaving the kids with Dad all day.

Breakfast: Going out with the girls - since I am letting myself go out, I pick the most fat ladden food that would normally be "off limits", even though it isn't what I really want. I overeat and feel physically uncomfortable, and mentally beat myself up for "messing up".

Dress Shopping: Only one dress fits - I think "if I was thinner" or "if my body was different" or dispair that I will never look nice in a dress and everyone will be looking at me as the gross fat bridesmaid. I feel like everyone else will be able to find an appropriate dress except me and that I will ruin the wedding. I feel like I should back out of being a bridesmaid. Finally, I start mentally figuring out how much time until the wedding - how much I could possibly loose on a drastic low calorie diet and what size I might wear by then.

Snack: No snack because I haven't thought ahead to bring along a snack.

Lunch: Since we still haven't found a dress, we go for lunch. Mentally, I am now on a highly restrictive diet so I order a salad with no dressing or some other "diet food". I feel physically hungry and not satisfied. I am angry and depressed as I look at the wonderful food everyone else is eatting.

Dress Shopping: Still can't find any that fit me at all - focus on my problem areas - which now appear to be all the areas. Dispair that I don't look like any of the other bridesmaids. By now I have totally beat myself up emotionally. We end up with no dresses ordered. I blame myself, thinking that if I wasn't there, the rest could have found something appropriate.

Snack: No snack because I haven't bought anything and I won't buy anything because I am now on a restricted diet.

Phone call from home: How much longer will you be gone? - I feel guilty for being away from home all day. I start thinking of all the things I "should" have been doing all day. I think that my presence only wasted everyone elses time and I wasn't productive all day.

Go home for Supper: Again - focusing on the diet, telling myself that it will all be worth it if I am thinner for the wedding - that this will make me worthy of being a bridesmaid. Eat low fat chicken, brown rice and salad with no dressing, water, no desert or anything sweet. Feel hungry and unsatisfied.

Late Evening/Night: I am hungry, tired, depressed, feel like a failure, and unsatisfied - I eat 1 package of oreos, a huge bowl of ice cream, 3 chocolate bars. In the end I feel sick, pathetic and like a total loser.

SO - the above is a really bad day and NOT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED - but is representative of what could have happened on any given day in the past.

What I learned in group was that at any of the moments above, I can choose to change the messages I listen to, the way I react to outside influences, and the food choices I make.

In a few days I will revisit this with the same day, but with making better choices. Does any of the above sound familiar?