Breaking the Cycle

Yesterday - another day of counselling at the Eatting Disorder Clinic...

It was interesting to explore cycles and inner dialogue. Identification is one thing, actually changing it is another. It is easy enough to say, instead of beating yourself up or denying your feelings and not dealing with things, actually deal with your needs as they arise, so you don't turn to food later... Actually doing that is another matter entirely.

How do you stop the voices in your head that say you don't deserve a break, or you haven't worked hard enough, or you should be able to do better? How do you force yourself to get up and take a walk when the pile of work looms before you? How do you feel satisfied with a job well done when no one has told you that it was done well? How do you decide that for yourself? How do you allow yourself to play and have fun without feeling guilty all the time?

My cycle is to allow the internal dialogue to go on until I stress out - then I eat and/or go to bed or "escape" into movies or TV. Instead, I need to either challenge the dialogue, or listen to what my body is telling me and respond - not just push it aside and ignore it.

That is what I learned yesterday... Or have I really learned it if I can't practise it yet? I guess that is what I am learning right now.

Later!

Back from Neverland

Well - Disney World...

We had a great time... wish it was longer... wanna go back!

Highlights of the trip: The aforementioned rollar-coasters and finding Tommy Hilfiger Jeans that not only fit me, but were marked down to $19.99! I bought both pairs...

And, I got back just in time to deal with the labour disruption, that has now been called off.

In the meantime, our office staff have done an incredible job at getting work done in anticipation of the disruption - so we are sort of ahead of the game!

So, things are generally good... Now to tackle the pile in my inbox!

Rollar-Coasters are TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

I am re-living my childhood. I am riding scary rides and screaming and having a great time... I haven't ridden a coaster or any thrilling ride in over 10 years. I have been afraid that I would break them (weight issues)... But I have been assured that I will fit on the rides as Disney - by a friend with a large husband!

I did Space Mountain yesterday. Wahoo! WAAAAHOOOOOO! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

It was pretty good! Better than I remembered from approximately 16 years ago!

I feel alive!

Live from Disney World...

The Coaster Queen!

(And, for RP - Eric has fixed my use of "then" "than" and other edits he deemed necessary - I hope you appreciate it. I must be on vacation, because I actually let him make his comments and live!)

By the way, we are sitting on the side of the road, connected to a nearby wireless network... I feel like such a hacker.

Scales are bad!

Well, that might be an overgeneralization...

I had my first "post-assessment" session with the Eatting Disorder Clinic. It ended up being shorter because I was late. I was late because I "needed" to get work done for everyone else, and felt justified in taking time away from my own personal time... But then I felt guilty for making my counsellor wait...

What I found out - I have issues with - not taking time for myself (therefore I self-reward with food) and guilt! Also disappointment in self, really bad body image or body acceptance, and having perfectionist expectations for myself that could I never live up to, thus I give up and beat myself up about it. Interesting!

We didn't get into much detail. However we reviewed some testing that I had done the previous week which pointed out areas in which I am doing well and areas in which I need to work on. That was useful and encouraging. My past assessment of doing better was measured solely on the scale. If I lost, I was doing well. If I gained, I was failing. Since I am likely at the same weight I was 3 years ago, I haven't gotten any better... BUT, after looking at the assessment data, I was able to pick out areas in which I have improved over the past three years, even if I don't see the results on the scale.

Like - I am much better at recognizing hunger and fullness. I can usually figure out what I am feeling (I used to just know that I felt like eatting). I am not as tied to an image of how I should look. And I have totally decided against any type of food restriction. I see all these as areas inwhich I have improved over the past 3 years.

So, I have work to do, but I am feeling very positive about it right now!

Babies are Contageous!

Watch out, or you might catch one!

Well.... That isn't what I really mean - although we seem to have an outbreak of them in our church.

We have two, but now they are 6 and soon to be 9. Babies no more. We had 'em young, and I was busy and boy the time has gone by fast...

About 4 years ago, we decided that two was a good number, and took permanent measures to keep it that way. About 3 years ago, I figured out that I actually wanted babies and have been wanting to have one ever since. Now there are babies all around me and more coming...

But, at least we have one at our house. I have been able to pour out lots of love, and no sleepless nights on my little nephew. Perhaps this is the perfect situation - the joys of having a baby, without the headaches.

Those are my thoughts for today.