Getting Healthy - Revisited

I reviewed some of my earlier blogs and re-lived my efforts of a year ago (and prior to that) to continue on a path to health. In looking over the past year, I realize that I was probably on a good path in late 2004, early 2005... then in focusing on the scale, I started really cutting back again and stressing over what those numbers said. I lost focus on what I was really going for - being healthy.

Last summer I crashed, I just couldn't do it anymore. I hit a big low and my doctor prescribed anti-depression medication. I couldn't "make" myself do anything... I was in a really bad place.

I was referred to the Eating Disorder Clinic, where I started this January. The focus of this group is health - in a wholistic way - emotional, spiritual as well as physical. I have found it to be extremely helpful! I have also had the opportunity to deal with some personal and emotional baggage that I have been carrying around - and just let it go!

In some ways I feel like I am starting all over again. I haven't stepped on a scale in almost a year, but I am sure I am as heavy as I have ever been. On the other hand, I am emotionally a lot more healthy then I was a year ago. I have a lot more acceptance for myself and a more realistic outlook for where I can go with my health.

I appreciate the prayers and encouragement many of you (friends and family) have given me. I really couldn't do it without you!

Throw Me A Rope

I am falling in love with KT Tunstall (Black Horse & Cherry Tree) Here is one that I am particularly liking today:

KT Tunstall
Throw Me A Rope

I want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you,
but everything here's telling me i should be fine,
so why is it so, it bothers below that im missing you every time?

i got used to you whispering things to me into the evening,
we followed the sun, and it's colours, and left this world,
it seems to me, that i'm definately, hearing the best that i've heard,.

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone.

and whenever you go it's like holding my breath under water,
i have to admit that i kinda like it when i do,
oh but i got to be, unconditionally,
unafraid, of my days, without you,

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
'cos everything easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
whenever i'm falling, you're always behind me,
come back and find me,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone

Being a Sick Wienie!

I am a sick wienie... I have the stomache flu - and when I am sick, I turn into this whinny, needy, wimp. All I want is someone to wait on me hand and foot, rub my feet and back and brush my hair. It is completely irrational, which sort of bugs me. When people have to leave to go to work, I just feel so alone.

And I have watched "Jersey Girl" twice today... that just says it all, doesn't it?

Daytime television really sucks!

And I feel bad about missing work - there are things to do and I should be there!

The other day my son said he would like to have a mom who is home all the time. That kind of thing sticks with you... I used to start feeling really guilty about that but lately I have really started liking my work. I feel like I am actually accomplishing something - actually having an effect and improving things. So maybe it is okay that I am not the kind of mom who stays at home.

One thought I have had is that I am still young - I could have another family at, say, 40 if Eric and I wanted - and then maybe I could be a different type of mom... but I also want to travel the world, so maybe this is my family experience. And, I am hoping to embark on a new phase of my career. That is okay, isn't it? I'm starting to think so.

Well - those are my random and unconnected thoughts as I sit at home with the stomach flu!

Are we Connected?

Have you ever had a feeling like you were close to someone for a moment, even though you are geographically far away? There are various people in my life, whom I have really connected with... Now that they are away, I occassionally have a sudden urge to call them or find out what is up. I feel close to them - almost like I know they are thinking of me too - or they are in trouble - or are in emotional difficulty.

Once I sat up in bed and told my husband to call my sister and tell her to get up. As it happens, if she didn't get up at that moment she would have been late for her flight.

My grandfather-in-law tells of a time when he was half way accross the world from his daughter. She went in to labour and was having trouble. She called out for her daddy - and he woke up and said his baby needed him...

I'm not sure what to make of stuff like that - is it just a coincidence? Or are we connected to others in a non-physical way. Why do we feel close to some people and not others? What makes us connected if we are?

People I have lost touch with, or haven't though of in a very long time, suddenly come to mind vividly - are these connections or just memories?

Or am I crazy?