Breakdown - Recovery

I had a minor breakdown this weekend...

Actually, I've been on the verge of one for awhile. I am having one of those "what are we doing here" moments. I wonder why we keep plugging away at the work we are doing, unsure of whether there is any hope for improvement. Wondering whether or not anyone else cares...

So, after church on Sunday - I went home and cried.

Then I got a call to go to the beach. It is amazing how an afternoon with friends can make life seem so much more manageable. I was feeling so alone Sunday morning - then so at home Sunday afternoon.

Besides the fun of swimming in an awesome lake (Lake Superior is definitely superior!) and enjoying the sun on a warm beach, enjoying great company - we chatted about church, the vision, where we think things are going. There is hope - and it is coming from others - that is defintely encouraging.

In my better moments I see the changes that have already happened - the encouragement of others participating in serving, leadership, etc... Just the fact that others care is hopeful.

And, I was also encouraged to do something about our life situation. I have wanted to be at home at some point in our lives. It feels like this is never going to happen. But I was encouraged to atleast push on one point. It is time for E to move back to 30 hours and to proceed with some program that will take him closer to his goal of being a Counseling Minister. So, I have decided to push. I have not had the personal energy to do this for the past 2 years, and have sat by feeling helpless and trapped. In the fight or flight instinct - I have definitely been in flight mode - wanting to run away or run toward something that seems better. But now I am feeling a little more energy and strength - perhaps enough to create a little pressure and support for change and hopefully it will be effective.

And this includes a lot of prayer - so if you read this and if you pray - please pray that things will change. That the church in Thunder Bay will get on fire with the vision and will grow both in number and in passion for Christ - that we will make changes in our lives to be able to create better balance - and that I will have the energy and strength to fight for what I think is right - and the wisdom to fight effectively.

Life's Been Busy

It has been awhile since I last blogged - but I can see that it has been awhile for others as well - must be the busyness of summer.

Made a quick trip to Calgary and, on my way back, picked up my sister and father who are now staying with us. It is nice to have them around.

This week is VBS, opps - Bible Day Camp... I am leading praise and worship at the beginning and end of the day using some great songs provided by Group Publishing. Can I just say - I really love doing that. I don't much enjoy teaching Sunday School, or even helping kids one or one, but I really enjoy leading praise and worship - especially in this format where I feel free to move.

I am also avoiding my bill-paying job. I am officially on vacation this week, but there are a number of things I need to get done anyway. I am feeling stress at not getting them done, but also feeling resentful of having to do them. I am stressed about our company's financial situation. I am stressed about my personal financial situation. There isn't anything major, it's just that I don't feel like things are as good as they should be. My horoscope (or horrer-scope) says I need to ask for help and I'll get it - but (besides the fact that I don't believe in horoscopes) I don't really know who to ask - or even what to ask.

What I would really, really like is to have some big $$ fall in my lap so I can give some to my parents who helped us out so much with the house and then pay off some of the debt we have and be free to put savings aside for our trip to Disney World... I keep telling myself to not make plans until we have this debt paid off, and I do a good job for a month or two... but then things come up - a bike repair, a pool repair, a house repair, a quick trip - or in July's case, all four! I feel so irresponsible.

I also feel like I really don't want the job I have. There are so many things I really like about it, but a couple major things that I really don't like about it just really drag me down... I feel like I am always on call, even when I am on vacation. I miss having one person who is my boss, instead of 5 people who don't agree with eachother as a rule. I don't know what I really want - but maybe it is just time for a vacation. Often when i get like this, i need a break, then I come back refreshed.

Well, this has been long - and i appolgise for the delay since my last post. I've been busy!