Should

I was told I should start a blog. Anyone who knows me well knows that using the word "should" will not get the desired result - unless the desired result is for me to glower and absolutely refuse to do what I "should". I hate being told I should do something - which is why it is so remarkable that 1) I am actually starting a blog and 2) it was my husband who used the forbidden word. (After 12 years - he should really know better)

I just started writing about all the should's of my life - but after reading it - it sounded very depressing, so I deleted it. Needless to say - we all have a lot of shoulds in our lives - the things we have to do. Sometimes I feel like I have a whole lot of shoulds and not many wants. I feel like I have to be responsible for a lot of people, and what I would really like to do is run away and wander the earth. If I were being realistic, I am sure that type of life would get boring and would be, in the end, unfulfilling. It is in the "shoulds" that we derive meaning and purpose. It is by doing what we are here to do, that we answer the "why" of our lives. But there is the voice inside that wants to be crazy and spontaneous - to live outside the box that is me - to be radical and edgy.

Right now I am crawling out of my skin - I need to get out. I usually deal with this quite effectively with chocolate - but that doesn't seem to be working so well anymore and it is somewhat counter productive to my attempts to become healthier. I could probably go out, but the two people I approached to go out with are both busy. I could go by myself, but that doesn't really appeal to me, so I started this blog instead. If nothing else - at least I'm not eatting.

So - 1 big goal in my life right now - to get healthy. Not thin, healthy. I suppose I would really like to be thin. I never have been. I was fat when I was a kid. Actually, rumour has it that I was an appropriate weight in my early years (say 1 to 2 years old), but as long as I can remember I have been fat. I remember being on a diet before being in school... then at about 25 I gave up on diets. I decided that they hadn't worked from about age 4 to age 25, and that 21 years is enough time to figure out that they just ain't working. So I am trying to eat healthily (with no restrictions), be more balanced and include more activity in my life - things I want to do, not things I "should" do. At the same time I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will never have the body that I think I want - and that I can be happy, beautiful and sexy just as I am. This is, I think, one of the biggest challenges for people today. okay - maybe it is just one of the biggest challenges for me.

So that is my first blog post. I received a request for assistance a few minutes ago, so I guess I "should" go and help.