Today... I am sinking

Yesterday, we decided upon a Finance Officer... In the process our Executive of Trustees seemed to come together to a common purpose and plan. It was exciting to see agreement and working together.

Yesterday, I felt really good about our move to Kenora - like I was doing the right thing for my family.

Also - I felt it was good for the place I work - to be able to make some changes and move on to a financially healthier place where jobs wouldn't be so tenuous...

and for our church to make some changes and be able to stand on their own and decide to make it work. I really thought everything was good.

But that was yesterday...

Today I was told that I have basically been letting down everyone around me for the past year, that I am leaving a mess and that I am not providing the support to fix it.

Today, I was told that recent decisions that I was a part of, were wrong and that I wasn't owning up to my mistakes, even though I was only part of a group making those decisions - and they aren't necessarily mistakes.

Today, I was bawled out by someone I care about alot.

Today, information I shared hurt another person I care about alot.

Today, I went home at lunch - walking without a coat in the rain, because I really needed to get away - and I needed a hug - but nobody was home so I went to my room and cried.

Today, I felt like I have let everyone down and I am just making one mistake after another. That I am failure and have been for some time - that I don't know what I am doing - and maybe that is true.

Today I feel like I have been left behind, ignored and forgotten by others I thought cared about me in the past.

Today, I am really struggling to keep up the boundaries between what is truly my problem and what are the outward expressions of frusteration that manifest themselves in accusations and false blame.

Today, I am having a hard time not dragging up past hurts and failures and letting them pull me down.

Today, I am stuggling to be positive about who I am.

Today, I am sinking...

... but a friend has invited me for pizza and that helps!

Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.

Tomorrow will be better.